Depression. Sincerely Sinister.

Depression feels like you're dying but you're still alive to experience it. It chokes the joy out of life, leaving no air for it to thrive in.

It's scariest when you're not used to it. You can know intellectually that you've been happy before but it's impossible to believe you'll ever be happy again. Or maybe the impatience for it to pass tells you that you won't make it that far. The dark moment feels as real as anything has, and it's all that seems real. You know it passes, but you can't remember how. Do you just wake up and feel okay? Does something have to happen to make you feel alive?

Depression isn't just, “I don't want to,” it's “I can't do it.” Unless the house is on fire and instinct kicks in. It's whole body slow down. Systems shut down.

With depression there's light but there is no sun. It's birds without the songs. I know that the sunshine felt glorious yesterday, and music made me feel alive this morning, but it doesn't make any sense that that could still be true.

Even in a dark moment, I can't end without hope. I have to take the little glimmer of hope I have at least TRY to pry open its box. I have a beautiful life, and I have things to look forward to. Good things won't stop coming just because I'm sad. I've come down from this exact wave a million times. I've laughed again, and felt bad again, and laughed again, and sometimes felt everything at once. I might wake up not remembering this moment, because life doesn't just stop. It's doesn't stop just because there are tears. It doesn't stop just because something exciting just happened. I'll feel sad until I don't anymore, and then? I'll feel just fine.